As a psychotherapist, I have witnessed how the principles of validation and emotional regulation are crucial for fostering safety and security in relationships. These principles, emphasized in polyamorous relationships, provide valuable insights for monogamous couples. Jessica Fern, in her works “Polywise” and “Polysecure,” delves deeply into creating a sense of safety and security within relationships. Let’s explore how monogamous couples can benefit from these ideas and enhance their relational dynamics through validation and regulation.

Understanding Validation and Regulation

Validation involves recognizing and accepting your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences as legitimate and worthy of acknowledgment. It says, “I see you, I hear you, and what you feel matters to me.” Emotional regulation refers to managing and responding to your emotional experiences in a healthy and constructive manner. It involves recognizing your emotions, understanding their triggers, and using strategies to cope with and express them appropriately.

In her work, Jessica Fern emphasizes the importance of feeling “safe and secure” within relationships. When partners feel validated, they are more likely to trust each other and feel secure in their connection. Validation creates an environment where partners feel emotionally safe. It reinforces the message that their emotions are understood and respected, laying the foundation for secure attachment. Validation also improves communication by ensuring both partners feel heard and understood, encouraging honest and open dialogue essential for resolving conflicts and building deeper connections. When partners regularly validate each other, it strengthens their emotional bond, fostering empathy and mutual understanding.

Emotional regulation is equally important in maintaining a healthy and secure relationship. It helps partners manage their emotions during conflicts, preventing escalation and promoting constructive resolution. By staying calm and composed, partners can address issues more rationally and empathetically. Strong emotional regulation skills reduce anxiety and stress within the relationship. Partners who manage their emotions are less likely to react impulsively or negatively during challenging situations, creating a more predictable and secure environment. Emotional regulation also encourages personal growth and self-awareness, enabling partners to support each other’s growth and development, fostering a dynamic and healthy relationship.

Practical Strategies for Validation and Emotional Regulation

Monogamous couples can benefit from incorporating specific strategies to enhance validation and emotional regulation in their relationships. Active listening involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying without interrupting or formulating a response while they are speaking. Reflecting back what you have heard and asking clarifying questions ensures you understand their perspective fully. Empathetic responses show that you understand and care about your partner’s feelings, using statements like “I can see why you feel that way” or “It sounds like you had a really tough day” to validate their experiences. Validating content as well as the underlying emotion is crucial to effective listening. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can help partners develop better emotional regulation skills. These practices increase self-awareness and help partners stay present, reducing the likelihood of reactive behavior. Regular check-ins provide an opportunity for partners to discuss their feelings and experiences openly, serving as a safe space for sharing emotions, discussing concerns, and celebrating successes.

In relationships, partners are either moving towards each other, fostering closeness and connection, or moving away, creating distance and disconnection. Validation and emotional regulation ensure partners are consistently moving towards each other, building safety and security. When partners validate each other, they move towards a deeper connection, creating a cycle of positive reinforcement where both partners feel valued and understood. Emotional dysregulation can cause partners to move away from each other, creating emotional distance and conflict. By developing strong emotional regulation skills, partners can prevent this distance and maintain a close, supportive relationship.

Integrating Validation And Regulation in Your Relationships

All relationships have much to learn from the principles of validation and emotional regulation emphasized in polyamorous relationships. By integrating these practices, couples can enhance their communication, build emotional safety, and create a secure and fulfilling relationship. Jessica Fern’s work provides valuable insights that guide relationships in this journey, helping them to move towards each other and build a lasting connection based on trust, respect, and mutual support. As a psychotherapist, I encourage couples to embrace these principles and explore how they can transform their relationship. Whether monogamous or polyamorous, the goal is to create a relationship where each person feels safe, valued, and deeply connected. Through validation and emotional regulation, couples can build a foundation of safety and security that supports their growth and happiness together.

If you are in need of support to better understand your relationship or have other concerns about being seen, felt and heard, therapy can help. Get in touch with me now. Click: